There is no better place to notice this more than when we are faced by the dreaded no. In relationships, job hunting, publishing, sales, and parenting, we tend to make no mean rejection of us, our ideas, our worth, even our future. We are presented with the no as a conclusion rather than a sub-total.
We might, however, choose another meaning. One that is accurate and more empowering. It will be integrated into the journey as long as we do not end at no. Not all at that.
In reality, Roosevelt and Aurelius are referring to the fact that we are usually better off going after something that comes at the other end of a long series of no, rather than the things that we can easily answer with yes.
To begin the discussion of this notion, it will be beneficial to reframe the power now.
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For them, no is safer
It is common for people to say no, not due to rejection of us and our offer, but because of the fear of yes as opposed to no.
No sticks to the same thing. It is less risky, less exposed, and less consequential. It guards time, egotism, reputation. It is the secure setting of behaviour that does not strain our System 2. No is a luxury of inertial comfort and it is our reluctance to take risks in the form of words.
When one says yes on the other side, this usually necessitates some scrutiny, justifications or involves some commitment.
The negotiator Chris Voss, who once worked at the FBI, has defined this understanding as a negotiating technique. He advises that you should not direct any pushes towards a yes, but that you should reframe your request in a way that a no becomes an element of the agreement road.
The reason that happens is that the phrase, Is now a bad time to talk? works better than Do you have a moment? The listener may get to say, No, and the conversation will remain on the track that will lead to the yes we desire. A hierarchy level down asks is less defensive, and is a more secure entry point into our ask.
This is not just a lesson of hostage negotiations. It is used in job interviews, sales meetings, discussions on the co-founder, and even personal boundaries. No is never a dead end when used in the right strategy. Rather, it is repackaged as a rung to yes.
No is clear to us
What is even better, though, is how we can reframe no in our minds.
Now and then, a mirror; in a way, it is calling on us to start asking ourselves whether we feel our goal is worth the grind. It makes us question where we are: Do I still believe in this goal? Is it worth still going after?
When a yes provides us with immediate satisfaction, a no leads us into a path that may bring clarity and a sense of a new mission to us. Angela Duckworth is a psychologist who has scientifically studied grit the most, and she says that persistence is not blind and she believes persistence is a commitment in line with enthusiasm. A no also determines whether the alignment is true and the passionis still there.
No also bears a message on whether we are trying hard enough or not.
When we fail to experience rejection, we are probably comfortably located to our comfort zone. As the researches of psychologist Carol Dweck about a growth mindset remind us, it is only at the margin of our competence where effort and challenge come together that we garden. As long as our feet are serving us faithfully, we are not bearing weight heavy enough to cause us to grow.
We can even proceed to say that a well-lived life is where there is a far greater number of noes than a yes. The rationale of the argument is just a matter of acceptance of the natural asymmetry of the two.
A thousand noes can not match a yes. A single deal, a single publisher, a single mentor, a single believer may change your path permanently, no matter how many noes you received at the beginning. As a matter of fact, no, it is rarely that way, but there will always be repeated despising, frustrating, soul-crushing no, in the pursuit of whatever it is we are pursuing.
This is the place where we must change our attitude to the way we should handle noise to start with. The reasons to begin counting. We should quit attempts at avoiding no and instead tally no.
And how many no’s to a yes? Five? Fifty? A hundred? It does not matter as long as you do not stop at any of them.
The thing is that you survive the chain of no-s and perceive the sequence till the end. The vast majority of them do not even come anywhere near the finish line. Some do not even begin.
However, the people who know how to count their no as steps and not as setbacks never stop walking and finally make it across the line. And whether your destinies are found under the roof of occupying a job, opening a project, getting funds, or finding a love partner, I offer you all to run counting.
Note down the number of noes and how those stack against you before you finally get your yes. Don’t think about every no as a shut door, but another addition made to a marathon that the majority of individuals quit.
And all that, remember, you do not need to open every door. All you require is one.